For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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