I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
