I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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