Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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