Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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