I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
