Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize