When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
