But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
