Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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