i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
