theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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