I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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