Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
