Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
