OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
