i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
