I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
