i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
