Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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