so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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