I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize