Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
