i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
