he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
