My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
