Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
