Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
