Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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