well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
