"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm both gender and math confused
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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