my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
