woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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