Whatcha textin bout Willis?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
