if i can run in heels then i can drive
I need to stop coming to work sober
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
