You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
