But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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