It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Are my feet made of real feet?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
