If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
did i walk over a car last night?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
