I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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