Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
