u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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