So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
