is your mom at the bar?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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