Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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