woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
