If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
