also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I believe in your delicious
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
