I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
