You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I will pee on everything he values.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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