I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
