you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize