If i could tip my vagina, i would.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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