i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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