Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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