i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
