Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
