Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
worst night to have a conscience
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
