remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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