Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
