I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
