No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
