there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
