After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
