i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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