There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
