giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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