If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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