dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
