it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
